Corey’s anger is getting so bad that it is almost constant all day long, almost every time you talk to him he will have an outburst.  It is getting ridiculous.  He spends so much time pulling his hair, punching himself in the head, banging his head against things and punching and kicking doors and walls.

He had an outburst the other day over something so silly that my other son and myself just stood there with our jaws dropped as we couldn’t believe the way he was acting (it was a really strange outburst) and the fact that he was acting this way over nothing.

I just don’t have the patience for him anymore and I know that doesn’t help matters.  But i’m just so tired of having to fight with him over everything.  Last night I asked the boys to do their homework and he just starts yelling, then picks up a jigsaw box and threw it across the room (yes all the jigsaw pieces went flying everywhere).  Then he can’t understand why I want him to pick them all up, he basically told me that I was lazy and don’t do anything around the house (this is after I just spent 2 hours doing dishes and cleaning the kitchen and decided not to ask for the kids to help, that I would let them have their free time).  Needless to say, I ended up picking up all the jigsaw pieces after he stormed off to his room screaming and swearing.

I’m just so tired - I’m sorry, I know I’ve already said that, but it’s my main emotion today, if it is an emotion at all.  I get enough sleep at night, but I’m still so tired all day because I’m emotionally exhausted.  I just feel useless, like I can’t help him, I don’t know how to help him.

Tuesday - this is the day that I had a meeting with the school counsellor, a lady from the education department and Corey’s teacher.  This is also the day that Corey decided to wake up in a foul mood and absolutely refused to go to school.

I’ll talk about the Corey situation first.  I don’t know if he just woke up in a foul mood, whether me having this meeting at school was on his mind (although I hadn’t really mentioned it much) or what the reason was for his behavior, but on Tuesday morning it was terrible.  He was foul right from the moment he got up, then when I was in the shower I heard Lachlan screaming, then Lochie ran through to my room and refused to go out and get ready for school because he was too scared Corey would hurt him.  Apparently the scream was because Corey had hit him across the face. 

We have a reward system where they get a pin on the board if they are good or lose a pin if they are naughty.  If they are naughty in a violent or abusive way toward a sibling, then that pin that they lose is given to that sibling.  So because of the hit across the face Corey lost a pin and Lachlan got that pin - well you would have thought the world was ending, he was not happy at all.  I wasn’t giving in though as they are our rules and I’m sticking to them.

Anyway, that just made his mood even worse and he just refused to go to school.

So then when I had my meeting at the school, he was left to sit in the car.  I parked the car in the taxi spot right outside the office door so the receptionist could keep an eye on him.  The meeting was good.  His teacher is new to the school and she is really lovely - yay, finally he has a nice teacher.  His teacher last year just didn’t care about kids with needs, it was like they are a big inconvenience to her (and already this year there have been issues with that particular teacher with another child but I wont get into that).

Coreys teacher this year though is so nice and in the last few days since that meeting I think she has really tried to help Corey.  He came home on Friday and told me that he thinks he is the teacher favourite as she always asks him to help her out and do special tasks and is really nice to him.  So that is great to see that he has a teacher that is giving him the help he needs in the class room.

The other good thing that came out of this meeting is that I think the seriousness of his behavior has finally become known.  When I mentioned how he gets quite violent and punches walls and punches himself in the head etc, it really got their attention.  So the education department is now arranging another meeting with a lady who specializes in this side of things and will know what path to take.  So I should have that meeting within the next couple of weeks.  That is their biggest concern now, is that he has so much anxiety and anger and that really does need to be addresses.

YAY - finally!

A Good Book - my Aunty was out the other day and saw this book called “Have a New Kid By Friday” by Dr. Kevin Leman.  She thought about me when she saw the book and bought it for me.  When I first heard the name I just thought ‘yeah right’ how can any kid change that much in just a few days.

But, she had bought it for me so I sat down and had a read.

WOW!

This book is really good.  I have read a lot of books on raising children, how to have happy children, how to have healthy children, do you have a tricky child, fed up (Fed Up by Sue Dengate is also a good book if you think their diet may be affecting their behavior),  etc etc etc, I’ve just about read them all.  This book would probably be the best one I’ve read.

Sometimes when reading these books I feel like they must be written by someone who has never had kids.  Not with this book, when I was reading this I could relate to it very well.  The strategies that he uses are quite good and although I know it’s going to be difficult sticking to it I’m certainly going to give it a go.

Just as an example - for sibling rivalry, when they are fighting he says to put them in a room together and let them work it out.  I really didn’t think that would be possible with Ben and Corey - I didn’t believe they could have a civil conversation together.  But I tried it yesterday, I put them in the laundry (the least fun room in the house) and told them they couldn’t come out until they had talked about why they were fighting and reached some sort of agreement.

My golly gosh they actually did it.  Instead of just yelling at each other, they discussed it sensibly and were quite serious and when they finished they called me in and told me what they’d discussed.  They even admitted to what bits they had done that they shouldn’t have done.  They had told each other how their actions had made them feel.  The best bit is - for the next couple of hours they were good and didn’t fight (I know a couple of hours doesn’t sound like much, but it is in my house).  They had another fight later in the afternoon and I did the same thing again and once again they talked about it and worked it out.

So, I’m going to be reading it again, just to make sure I know exactly what I’m doing and then these strategies are going to be enforced and we’ll see if there is any change.  I need to talk them through with my husband too to make sure we’re both on the same wave length with this.

So far though I’m quite impressed with this book and definitely recommend it, but if you want to wait a few days and see what results I get I will post back here and let you know.

Thanks for reading
Take care
Sheryl

Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child’s Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days

So last night he had a few drinks and was a bit tipsy to say the least, so over he came.  The kids and I were outside playing basketball at the time.  So Jeff comes over and starts talking about Corey.  How Corey obviously has problems and so do I with him.  Then he starts going on about how I need to just stay calm and actually when he is being naughty I should send him over to his house because he is really good with kids and kids just seem to like him for some reason.

He continued to tell me how he often hears us yelling, he often sees Corey out the front throwing tantrums, and often hears Coreys bad language.  Then again told me that I should really try harder to stay calm.

I’m sure as you’re reading this it probably doesn’t sound all that bad, but….. he went on and on and on about how I should stay calm.  He went on and on and on about how great he is with kids and that I should just send Corey over to him.  He just didn’t stop, he just went on and on and on about it.

When my husband came home I left and came inside the house and then Jeff continued to go on and on to my husband about it all.  I swear I was ready to put the house on the market and move, but like my husband said, if he isn’t happy living next to us then he should move.

Jeff says it doesn’t bother them so it’s not a problem, he just wants to give me all this advice on how I should be handling it.  I basically said to him that yeah he might hear this going on, but he doesn’t live with it 24 hours a day, he isn’t in my situation so he really doesn’t know what it’s like.

That’s what really pisses me off - sorry for the language, but it really does.  If people haven’t had to deal with kids with behavior issues, they really have no idea what it’s like.  It’s easy for them to give advice and tell me that I should stay calm - they have no idea what it’s like.

All he did was make me feel like I’m a bad parent - I’m sorry but that doesn’t help.  I know I should stay calm, he’s not telling me anything I don’t know, but it isn’t always easy to try and stay calm.  Believe me I try but you get to a point where you can’t take it anymore.

Anyway, that’s my rave for today.  I was just really angry had to get it out.
Thanks for listening
Sheryl

When Corey gets into one of his rages I really can’t stand to watch him like that.  Sometimes he just gets so upset that I think he’s going to explode if he doesn’t stop yelling and screaming like that.

For example, last night him and Ben just wouldn’t stop fighting.  My husband just got to the stage that he’d had enough and told them both to go and have a shower and go to bed - it was only around 7pm at the time.  Corey just went crazy and lost it completely, no way was he going to have a shower and go to bed that early.

Of course Corey isn’t going to give in but neither is my husband and my husband completely refused to leave Coreys room until Corey agreed to go and have a shower.  Which of course he wouldn’t and the longer my husband stood there the more Corey would scream.

I just couldn’t stand listening to him screaming like that and I know it isn’t good for him.  He always ends up with headaches after he screams and screams like that.  But, my husband was dealing with it and we know that even though we don’t always agree with one another on discipline, you can’t show that disagreement to your children, we need to be strong and back each other up, so I decided to just stay out of it.

However, after another 5 or so minutes of this constant screaming I couldn’t take it any longer.  As much as Corey makes me angry and when I’m so angry with him I really don’t feel like hugging him, but I knew that it was the only way to calm him down.  So I walked into his room, told my husband to leave and just sat next to him and hugged him.

I talked to him and told him to take some deep breathes and we just sat there like that for a while until he calmed down.  Once he was calm I told him that I wanted to talk to him but I didn’t want him to lose control and get angry, I just wanted him to listen.  Then I calmly asked him to go and have a shower and tried to explain to him that all this screaming doesn’t help the situation and certainly wont make Dad give in to him.

Corey got up and had a shower - he did make sure to point out that he still refused to go to bed after the shower, but I just ignored that and only worried at this stage about him having that shower.  Because he did then go calmly and have a shower and had completely calmed down by the time he got out the shower, we did let them stay up a little bit longer before going to bed.

I know that I have occasions where I just have had enough and I lose it with them, so I know how my husband felt.  I am trying hard lately though to try and not get to that stage and to try and stay as calm as I can.  It isn’t always possible, sometimes you just lose it and I think anyone that tells you they’ve never lost it with their child (especially if it is a child with behavior issues) is probably lying.  We’re only human and it is a difficult job to raise and deal with a child that has behavior issues and it’s normal to show cracks and lose it from time to time.

It was a nurse at the hospital a couple of weeks ago that told me that if anyone denies ever ‘losing it’ then they are lying.  That was when I did reach the point of not being able to take any more and I went to slap Corey on the arm.  We were doing dishes at the time and Corey was holding a metal spatula thing and when I went to slap him, he went to put his arm up in defense and my wrist came down onto the spatula and cut open my wrist.  I ended up with 7 stitches in my wrist.  When it is a cut across the wrist, it isn’t easy trying to explain to people what happened - a lot of people just assume that I tried to cut my own wrist being in that position.  I just tell everyone that I had an accident while doing the dishes - which it was, I know it was an accident and if anything it was my own fault for losing it.

But I guess it did teach me to try and be more calm and not to lose the plot so quickly.  I think since this happened I have really put an effort into being calmer with the kids which is a good thing.  I have brought in some new rules and they miss out on things for being naughty and I’m being tough in that sense and sticking to my guns when I tell them that they are banned or missing out on something.  For example, we have a rule that they only have friends over after school or go to a friends house on Mondays and Fridays.  Now, we’ve added to that rule that if they are constantly fighting and their behavior is really bad at home, then they don’t have anyone over at all.  Last week they had no-one over on Monday for bad behavior and so for the next few days they were quite good and so they had friends over on Friday.  They have been fighting constantly over the weekend so today I’ll be sticking to my guns and not letting them have anyone over.  I know they won’t be happy about it, but they learn quite quickly when you enforce rules like that.  Especially when their little brother does get to have someone over because he does behave.

Anyway, I’m raving again, I know that once I get started I usually rave on a bit.  So back to the hug therapy….. that was my point of this post, in my new quest to stay calmer with the kids I have used the hugging to calm Corey a couple of times and it has worked very well.  Sometimes I think that’s all he needs is a big hug.  I think he often feels so lost and like he doesn’t fit in.  Sometimes I think he gets quite jealous of his little brother who is a real affection kid and is always coming and giving me hugs.  Then with Corey who is always naughty I usually don’t feel like hugging him, so I know Lachlan does get more affection and I think that really does bother Corey.

So, as well as trying to stay calm, I think I really do need to put more effort into showing Corey more affection too.

Lots of hugs - you can never give your kids too many hugs!

Thanks for reading and I hope you and your kids have a lovely day
Sheryl
My-Beautiful-Boy.com

Since starting this blog I have had a number of emails from Mothers with similar issues, with kids that have behavior problems and can’t seem to find a solution to them.  Some with ODD, some with ADHD and some with Aspergers and then some, like Corey, that can’t seem to get a diagnosis.

One thing that most of these Mothers have in common is that living with a child with behavior issues can be incredibly challenging and difficult and often you feel like your all alone.  It is difficult putting up with tantrums on a daily basis and it is just as difficult having other people look at you like you are a bad Mother that can’t discipline her child properly.

As mothers with difficult children we all know that there is much more to it than just discipline and in fact if you have more than one child and your other children are perfectly normally behaved, then it really can’t be a discipline issue if they are all disciplined the same way.

Anyway, here I go raving again, if you’ve read my blog you have probably realised that once I start writing I do tend to rave on a bit and let it all out

The reason for todays post is that I have just replied to a couple of emails that I’d received from other mothers and I started thinking about whether I should have a forum on my site.  Not that I mind people contacting me via email, I don’t mind at all and in fact it is nice to hear from people who read my blog and it lets me know that I’m not alone in my quest to make my child happy.  I was just wondering whether other mothers would be interested in a forum where they could share their experiences and talk to other mothers will similar issues.

So I’m not going to just jump in and create a forum (a bad habit of mine - get something in my mind and rush into it) I thought I’d put it out there and see if anyone would be interested in joining a forum.

So if you would be interested in joining a forum with other mothers of children with behavior issues then please leave a comment below to show your interest and if I get enough response and enough interest then I will set it up.\

Thanks for reading - I hope you and your children have a great day!
Sheryl
My-Beautiful-Boy.com

He does have a really good teacher this year so he is so much happier.  The school enrolment numbers were 1 student down for being eligible for another class and another teacher.  Numbers are counted again at the end of next week and if they get one more enrolment over the next week then they will get another class.  So there is still a chance that he might be moved to a different class.  I’ve made sure that he doesn’t get put into the class of the teacher he’s had so much trouble with, so even if he changes class he should still get a good teacher.

I wasn’t very happy on the first day back at school though as my older son Ben is in year 7 this year and the year 7 teacher at that school left at the end of last year, so we didn’t know who the year 7 teacher would be.  After all the trouble that Corey has had with his teacher last year and the year before, I wasn’t very happy to find that particular teacher is the one that Ben got as his year 7 teacher.

So I am hoping that the school will get the extra class and that the year 7’s still might end up with another teacher.

I know you can’t expect to have 3 kids go through school without having at least one teacher that you don’t like, it just seems this one particular teacher just keeps on hanging around and my kids keep on getting stuck in her classes.  Well, one good thing is that at least Ben will be able to cope much better with her than what Corey could.

I found out the other day that there was another boy at our school with Aspergers who’s parents actually pulled him out of that school because of this particular teacher - so it was good to know that it wasn’t just me imagining the way she treats them.  This boy has come back to our school now on the condition that he doesn’t get her as a teacher again.

It’s not good when a teacher treats a child like he’s an inconvenience just because he has some needs, these kids need teachers that can try to understand their needs and work with them, not treat them like a big inconvenience.

Early this evening Corey and Lachlan went outside to take the rubbish out.  I heard Corey screaming and ran out to see what had happened.

There was a MASSIVE spider on his leg.

He was just terrified.  He later told me that he felt it crawling up his foot (he had bare feet at the time) then looked down and it was on his let (thankfully he was wearing long pants).

I picked up a shoe then he got more stressed saying ‘no don’t it will bite me’.  So then I’m thinking if I just squash it I would be squashing it against his leg and maybe it would bite him.  If I try to flick it off with the shoe, there’s a chance I’d miss or not hit hard enough to get it right off and once again it could bite him.

Dad was nowhere to be seen and I’m not the best person when it comes to spiders, but I had to remain brave for the sake of my terrified boy.

I grabbed a second shoe and I managed to get a shoe on either side of the spider and then quickly squash it between the two shoes.  I was still a little worried about the chance of missing it or not getting it quick enough, but thankfully I did, the spider is squashed and all is well.

Poor Corey was shaking like a leaf, I had to stand there and hug him for a while until his nerves calmed down.  Needless to say I completed the taking the rubbish out task myself.

All was well after that until bed time.  As soon as Corey was alone in his room he started thinking about the spider and got really scared.  He was scared that he would get bitten by spiders.  Poor boy, he didn’t want to be alone and didn’t want to sleep in his bed.  I told him he could sleep in my bed with Dad but he still wouldn’t do that until Dad actually went to bed too as he just didn’t want to be alone.

He has finally gone to bed with Dad now and I am left up and I guess I will be sleeping in his bed tonight.  Fingers crossed he won’t have spider nightmares.

Poor little boy, and he drove me absolutely crazy all day today, but as angry as he gets me I still feel sorry for him when something like this happens.

I’m off to my lonely bed now.
Goodnight

As I woke this morning to the start of a new year I woke to the familiar sound of my children fighting.  Who needs an alarm when you have children!

So the first day of our new year is no different than any other day, the day was still full off teasing, fighting and swearing.  Thankfully, we had a good night last night bringing in the new year and so I at least was in a good mood and could tolerate it to a reasonable extent.

Now, if you’ve read my blog you will know that Corey is my middle child and he is our problem child.  Corey will become angry at the drop of a hat and lose his temper and swear over absolutely everything, even something as simple as asking him to brush his teeth.

So if asking him to brush his teeth results in a heated argument, imagine what kind of response I get when I ask him to do something like help with the dishes.

Well today I actually got Corey to help with the dishes without having to fight with him.

How did I do it?

I don’t even know what made me think of it at the time, but here is how I did it.

I asked Corey and the other 2 boys to come and help with the dishes.  Corey did the usual and said ‘No, I’m not doing dishes, why should I’.

Why should I?????

So instead of getting angry with him or yelling or even just arguing with him, I just said ‘ok fine’.

Then I calmly walked into the laundry and I started pulling his dirty clothes out of the dirty clothes basket and throwing them back into his room.  He walked in as I was doing this and said ‘What The!’

Once again, I remained calm and simply told him ‘I’m not washing your dirty clothes - Why Should I?’

Corey picked up his clothes and put them back in the dirty clothes basket and said ‘fine I’ll do the dishes’.

No yelling, no arguing, he came and helped with the dishes.

So I was quite happy with having discovered a method that actually worked and got the result I wanted without the arguments and the swearing that we usually get.

I need to keep my mind open to look for other similar situations that I can use to get the desired result with such little confrontation.

Fingers crossed that we can reduce his anger and swearing and make him a happy little boy again.

Yesterday was a really bad day.  After school, Ben and a couple of friends were giving Corey a hard time and they all argued and stuff until Corey had enough and couldn’t control himself any longer.  He just completely lost control and started going after one of Bens friends.

He was really angry and chasing Bens friend saying he was going to F%#*ing kill him.  I was terrified of what he might do if he had caught him and thankfully he didn’t.  The boys Mum was terrified too.  I yelled for him to stop and when I yelled his name he just turned toward me and yelled ‘what the F*#% do you want’.  Just what every mother loves to hear from her 10 year old son.

It was so bad that even some people in the houses across the road from the school came out of their houses and stood on their lawns to see what was going on.  Two teachers came out to see what was happening and then they just said ‘oh the parents have it under control’ and walked away.  That really annoyed me, the teachers wont take any responsibility after school once the parents are there but in a situation like this I think that they should help.

It was really bad, he was really bad.

When my husband came home I just burst into tears.  I just can’t take this anymore.

The really sad thing is that Corey can’t take it anymore either, I really think he’s losing control more and more and he doesn’t like it.  He was talking about killing himself and then he started punching himself on his legs, then started punching himself in the head.

It is getting scary and I know I need to get help, I need to do something, but I just don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday the kids had their school concert, which was in the morning at their school.  The night before Corey was getting really worried about it and told me that he really didn’t want to do it.  He didn’t have any ’solo’ part in the concert, just his whole class going up on stage to sing.  He didn’t want to go on stage in front of all the school and all the parents that would be there.

I remember that feeling, he is so much like me when I was a child.  The difference though is that I just accepted my fate and did it, I didn’t feel like I had any other choice than to do it even though I was terrified.

There was no force on earth that was going to get Corey up on that stage though and in the morning he just flat out refused to go to school.  I did manage to get him to the school office (not in his school uniform though) and got in to see the Principal.  Both myself and the principal told Corey that he didn’t have to do the concert and perhaps he could sit with me during the concert and then go back to his normal classroom routine when the concert was finished.  He wouldn’t do it though, I think he was a bit scared to go back to his classroom because of how his teacher might act toward him for not doing the concert (his teacher isn’t very helpful with his issues).

So it was a no go for school yesterday for Corey.  I stayed for the concert and Corey stayed with me and then came home with me after it.

During the concert I watched my other two boys up there and they just didn’t even hesitate to go up and do their bit and they both looked so happy doing it.  Ben is always mucking around and having fun with his friends and Lachlan is just such a happy little boy, he always has a smile on his face.

Then after school all the trouble started again, the fighting started as soon as the boys got out of school. Lachlan had my car keys and Corey wanted them and that was all it took for Corey to absolutely lose control.  He locked us out the car and he tried to bash Lachlan, in fact Lachlan was so scared of him that even this morning Lachlan has been following me around and not going anywhere near Corey because he’s scared Corey is going to bash him.

Just observing the boys yesterday at school and at home I just kept thinking how happy Ben and Lachlan are and how sad Corey always is.  He is always angry about everything.  Something as simple as asking him to do homework, asking him to brush his teeth or telling him it’s bed time.  Just these little things, even though they are a part of everyday routine, will set him off in a fit of rage.

I think about what it must be like for him (I know what it’s like for the rest of us to live with that) but for him, he must be really miserable.  Surely he can’t like living like this.  I think he wants to be happy, I just don’t think he knows how to be happy.

How can I help my little boy to be happy?